btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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