If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
