evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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