I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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