who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
time to smoke my breakfast
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
