Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
