im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
