Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you made out with another girl for some wings
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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