totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
