Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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