dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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