It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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