i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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