just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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