I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
