My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
