Tell her she can't have a vagina
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize