i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ugly people sure do ruin things
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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