he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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