whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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