Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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