This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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