I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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