I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
