I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize