I can tuck mytits in my pants
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
