Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
