How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
