I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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