dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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