when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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