I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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