If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
is it fun? or sober?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
