Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
