I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
