Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You took a bar mat shot.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
