The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
