He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
