Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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