Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize