I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
