I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sorry about my life...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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