I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Shame - the story of my life.
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