I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
