Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize