I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
