Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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