I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
