Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
