I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize