i just had sex bonerless
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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