He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
