I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
